Doctors Humor 1
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like
to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your
Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell
Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.
Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife
has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.
Patient: Good grief! What's the good news?
Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.
This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor
comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor
tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind
of good news could you probably tell me, after this???
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to
forget everything I told you.
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep
losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!!!
Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
Patient: Well, doc, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too. (feo)
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and
find a couple of girlfriends.
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.
Congratulations, Mr Brown, you're in great shape for a man of sixty.
Pity you're only forty.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? (problema)
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
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